It Might Not Get Better; But You Will

Author’s Note: This post has been a long time in the making, though I just compiled it recently – It is little parts of journal entries that I have had since 2016. From some of my lowest days, and some better days. Just to show how it non-linear the path along a mental health journey can be. These sentences are pulled straight from old journals, unedited. This is the raw, rollercoaster ride that many people face every day within their own brains. The // Signals a new day in my journal. I tried to limit the days in between just to show how quickly the feelings arrive and how painfully they fleet.

This only contains carefully curated parts of my personal story, with a lot left between the lines. There’s so much more to the days and how hard it is to pull yourself up and how graceful you have to be with yourself when you are down. 

But, I hope that it means something to someone. Just to see how low I felt – And how now, I am the happiest I’ve ever been. Every day. For no reason other than that I can be. 

//

I never imagined my life looking like this. I’m so miserable. Like I would be the one who feels so mentally unstable. Who makes jokes about not being able to go on. But here I am. I have to admit it. I am depressed. And I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know if it’s fixable. 

//

So I’m sitting alone. With tea to try and calm me down. And the tightness in my chest increasing more quickly than ever. 

And I write. With no barriers between my heart and my head, or my head and my hands. Everything I think. I write. And I think – hey, I’m pretty good at this. But right now that’s not the point.

The point is – I don’t have anything that matters.

//

When I was younger I figured by this age, I would be happy. I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep and I would be as happy as the people around me thought I was. And now, as 21 creeps closer, I’ve never felt less happy. Every day I cry. It’s always something new, though.

I spent Thanksgiving morning crying over the fact that I didn’t like my sweater.

I cry about my acne, About my health, About how hard it is to live every day. I cry about my job and how unfulfilling it is. I know I’m a quitter. I always have been. But its so hard to see things through. I don’t know why.  I cry because I need help and I’m not getting it. I feel like I’m doing the best I can. But nothing ever works. I feel like I’ve been good so far. And I try to be a good friend and a good person. And I want to be happy where I am. But I only want to be happy where I am so I can be happy somewhere else. Somewhere down the line. 

I could literally cry about everything. I could cry about nothing. I need to talk to someone.

//

I should go to church again. 

//

Does everyone feel this senseless at this age? But I’m not worried. God will get me through this. I’m not worried at all… Sometimes you just have to tell yourself things until they become true. 

//

I’m trying so hard. Every day getting out of bed is so hard. But I must be doing something wrong. Because nothing is really going well.

//

A revelation. I can sit and be sad about what I don’t know and what I can’t control. Or I can remember to live through my faith. Every day. No matter what. And every day I can look at my tattoo and remember that God is greater than the highs and the lows. And every day I can live faithfully through my God. I have faith that He is going to lead me to where I need to be. I’m going to be okay.

//

I have to leave. I want to get out of this house so bad. I hate that I feel like I’m not cared about. I hate myself in this house. I went up to my room and cried. It just really hurts. On top of that – I’m upset that no one ever pays attention. Or listen or try to understand. 

I just have to smile. 

//

Good morning!!! The first thing I did this morning was cry.  

It’s like something in my brain is physically taking all my hope away. All my friends tell me that the future is bright and things will get better. But when you feel this low, hope means nothing. It’s just another four letter word.

//

These days, I don’t really like to count down days until things – because I’m trying to live in the present moment, but I am definitely excited for my birthday. And for everything to come. 

Yesterday was good because I focused on all the good stuff – like being the old me again. This morning however, is a different story. All these little things are getting to me.

Everything will be fine. I just miss being my old self. I miss being the old me and I found her for a little while last night and now the boring plain sad me is back. 

I need to go to church again.

I just need to change something. I get cranky and sad. It’s just crazy and annoying that I’m going to live my life like this. 

I don’t know what else to change to make myself feel better.

//

Honestly I just feel so disgusting and sad all the time.

//

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this by myself. I need help, God. Please help me and get me through. 

//

I think in a way the reason I have been bouncing back and forth – I am depressed, sad, lonely, angry. And then I realize it, and I know its wrong, and I’m ready to change. And then I kind of subconsciously think to myself – Well I can’t just be happy so I can get good things to happen to me. I can’t just force myself to pretend I’m not lonely just so I won’t be lonely.

//

So I haven’t written in a while. I don’t know, I feel like I don’t have much left to say. I know every day I should have new thoughts but I feel very stuck here and I need to do more to expand my horizons and live my passion every day. I don’t think I ha. . .

//

I am just feeling a little overwhelmed I guess. It is so hard to keep deciding to be happy. I am trying so hard, though. Like every time I get disappointed and sad – I keep trying to catch myself. 

//

This morning, I ate a bagel. So that was good. Focusing on the little things.

I’m trying to be in a good mood today. It’s not that I’m in a bad mood.. Its just that I have to try to be in a good mood – which is fine. I just am working a little harder. Drinking lots of water!!!! Such a healthy little b****, Okay. Gonna go. Bye

//

I don’t know how else to describe it. Just sad. 

//

I guess the hard part right now isn’t keeping myself happy – like I’ve realized I can be happy with just what I have. So these good days are as good as it’s going to get. And that’s okay with me. 

//

I thought I was fine. Angry.. Frustrated.. Sad.. But not broken. 

I slept for 45 minutes last night. And I left for work 30 minutes early so I could cry out all my tears and not be caught crying at work. 

It didn’t work.

//

Eventually the pain turns to nothing-ness and I can’t decide which is worse. Being unable to hold in my tears or feeling nothing at all. 

//

I try to laugh but tears just come out.

I have been crying about every little thing that happens. But the thing is, I’m not even crying about anything. What’s even wrong? Everything or nothing?

//

Its truly a miracle that one day you just wake up and can get out of bed easily. And go to work easily. And laugh. Today is one of those days and I’m not taking it for granted. 

//

Maybe those things that seem to matter so much, don’t really matter so much. Maybe, it’s just a matter of getting through. I don’t have to many things that make me happy, but I guess I don’t have to let those things make me sad either. 

//

Water helps. 

//

I had a bunch of good days in a row. I think it’s because I’m giving myself a chance. You know, like trying hard to drink water and be healthy and do stuff that I like. It feels great, to be honest. But I’m scared it won’t last. I’m so scared to go back. 

//

I was running late to an appointment. I thought I was doing fine. But I was three minutes late and that made me cry. So much that I had to pull over. So I was even later. Well. Something must be wrong if I can cry about something so trivial. Does anyone even care? Do I even care? It’s feeling like a no, most days. 

//

I just have to pick one thing a day to do to make it a little bit better. “Not every day will be great, but there will be something great in every day…” they say that right? Maybe, I can be the something great. Because the only thing I’ll always have is myself. And on a good day, I’m okay.

//

I don’t want to just be okay. I want to be amazing. I want to beam happiness. Like I did when I was a kid.  But that feels so far away now.

//

I haven’t been writing as much. I’ve been keeping other journals. Ones with dreams, and goals and plans and lists. I used to be okay with what I had, while still looking forward to those things. I already have dreams that I fulfilled. I don’t right now. That’s for sure. I’m jobless. And living in my parent’s house. In a town that doesn’t feel like home. And no concrete plans for the near or far future. But I can still be something great. 

//

Of course everything feels meaningless. For we as humans are what bring meaning to anything. So, either bring the meaning, or don’t. 

//

I never imagined my life looking like this. I’m happy. I’m blessed. It’s all fixable. Even if it isn’t fixed now. 

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